


the kidnapping

by AlmondRose



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Humor, SMALL mentions of jayroy, also it never says but babs is oracle, i mean its kind of serious, please read this as crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 14:39:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17123252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmondRose/pseuds/AlmondRose
Summary: Bruce wakes up to find that some of his children were kidnapped! Who would do this? What purpose could they have?





	the kidnapping

In the morning, Bruce went downstairs and at at the breakfast table, pulling up his newspaper. Alfred handed him a cup of coffee, and a plate of scrambled eggs. Bruce sipped his coffee and turned to the comics.

 

There was a thudding of footsteps from upstairs, and Bruce flipped from the comic pages to the ads section. He squinted at the housing ads. Was the rate of living really that low on the East End?

 

The footsteps grew nearer and Duke entered the kitchen, looking disheveled from sleep. He sat down and Alfred appeared and gave him a cup of orange juice and peanut butter toast, then retreated.

 

“How’s the paper?” Duke asked, and Bruce grunted in a way that meant _Alright._ Duke shrugged and Bruce decided that was good enough. He took another sip of coffee.

 

He heard the sounds of loud squabbling from somewhere above him and coming closer, so he moved his head in closer to his newspaper and tuned it out. He turned his page and found the actual news and read an article that Vicki Vale wrote about the consequences that nearly-getting-the-water-supply-poisoned could have on the environment. It was an interesting article, except the leading source was one _A. Paisley Elm,_ who was allegedly a renowned ecologist, one of the leading persons on Gotham’s environmental issues. Except Bruce had gone to an ecology gala four nights ago, and there had been _no_ A. Paisley Elm’s there.

 

“A. Paisley Elm,” he said out loud, picking up his fork and poking it in his scrambled eggs. “Heard of them?”

 

“Anagram for Pamela Isley,” Tim said, and Bruce peeked over the top of his newspaper to see that Tim and Steph had joined the breakfast table.

 

“Thank you,” Bruce said, and then he looked back at his paper. Then back up again. Something wasn’t right.

 

He counted his children. There were only three.

 

“Where are Cass and Damian?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady. The kids stopped chattering and looked between them.

 

“Cass usually wakes me but she didn’t so I thought she was still sleeping,” Steph said, her voice uncertain.

 

“Damian’s usually the first one up,” Duke said, knowing as he was usually the second one up.

 

Bruce frowned. This was unusual.

 

“I’ll go check and see if they’re asleep,” Steph said, hopping to her feet. Bruce nodded, thinking that she was probably the best option to wake either of them.

 

Steph ran off, but came back down quickly after.

 

“Both of their beds were empty and Damian’s was unmade,” Steph said, her voice twisted in worry. Panic shot through Bruce’s chest. Damian would _never_ leave his bed unmade.

 

“Tim, check the cave,” Bruce said, and Tim saluted and did that. “Duke and Alfred, check the house. I’m calling Dick, and Steph, you call Harper. We’ll find them.”

 

The kids scrambled in different directions, Alfred hot on their heels. Bruce pulled out his cellphone, called Dick.

 

It only rang once before he answered.

 

“Hey B, what’s up?”

 

“Is Damian with you?” Bruce asked. “Or Cass?”

 

“I’m staying with Wally right now,” Dick said. “Damian _might_ be at my place but Cass wouldn’t, if I wasn’t there.”

 

“I’ll check the feeds,” Bruce said.

 

“Call me when you find them,” Dick said. “And call me if you don’t.”

 

“I will,” Bruce said, and he hung up, calling Babs next.

 

“Damian and Cass,” he said before she could say anything. “Missing. Check Dick’s security cameras.”

 

“Dick’s with Wally, so neither of them should be at his place,” Babs said, but Bruce heard her typing. “And Cass isn’t with me, in case you’re wondering.”

 

“Harper hasn’t seen Cass--or Damian,” Steph said, poking her head back into the room. Bruce sent her a thumbs up, mouthed, _Kate._ Steph nodded and went back into the other room.

 

“Nobody’s been at Dick’s all night,” Babs said. “And the feed from your house was blacked out around six this morning, in every room.”

 

“Kidnapping,” Bruce said, his heart squeezing.

 

“Looks like it,” Babs said. “But it also could be Jason. I’m calling him now.”

 

Steph came back into the room, Tim following.

 

“Kate didn’t know anything,” Steph said. “Also I think Renee was over, so that was a little awkward.”

 

“The cave is empty,” Tim said. “But at like six this morning the security feeds were blacked out and tampered with from the cave. I think whoever did it was probably smart enough to wear gloves, but I can check for fingerprints--”

 

Bruce hushed him as Babs started talking again.

 

“Jason didn’t answer, and I’m pulling up _his_ feeds now, and….his safehouse is empty.”

 

“Did you try their trackers?” Bruce demanded, and Babs said, “I’m pulling it now, and they’re all disabled.”

 

“Of course they are,” Bruce said, pinching his nose and sighing. “Can you cancel everything Wayne related for today? I need to find them.”

 

“I’m not your secretary,” Babs said, sounding scolding and also amused. “But for Cass and Damian--and Jason, I guess--I will do this just this once.”

 

“Thank you, Barbara,” Bruce said.

 

“Whatever, B,” she said, and hung up. Bruce stood.

 

“Jason is also gone,” he said.

 

“Oh no,” Steph said, and Tim said, “Maybe we should try Selina?”

 

“She wouldn’t black out the feeds. Suit up, everyone,” Bruce said, standing, just as Alfred and Duke came back in. “We’re finding them, and we’re finding them today.”

 

\------

 

Damian woke up.

 

He was in a bright, sunny room, with wide windows and white decorations and the pale blue curtains were fluttering gently in the breeze of the slightly open windows. Damian smelled fresh air.

 

He sat up. This was not Gotham.

 

He didn’t appear to be in danger, because he was still wearing the same pajamas he had fallen asleep in and he wasn’t tied up in any way. He wondered if there had been a surprise trip to somewhere, but Father wasn’t the kind of person to do that, and Richard was with West.

 

Or maybe that’s what Richard had _wanted_ him to think, and Damian cautiously got out of the bed and crept towards the door. He opened the door carefully. There was another room across from the one he’d woken in and on the left, a bathroom, and on the right, a short hall that opened into a bigger space. It was like the hotel rooms that Damian stayed in with his family when they went on vacation.

 

Damian opened the door across from him to see another room identical to the one he’d woken up in. The bed was unmade and empty.

 

Damian left the door open and turned right.

 

The room had a small kitchen on one side with a door, and on the other side was a seating area with a balcony beyond it. Across from where Damian stood was a door that from experience Damian suspected led to the master bedroom, and one of the couches was unfolded into a bed with a man was sprawled out on his stomach, his face away from Damian.

 

Damian took a step forward and immediately someone dropped from above, landing in front of him.  

 

She clapped a hand over his mouth.

 

“Good,” Cassandra said. “Awake.”

 

“What is going on?” Damian demanded, but it sounded more like “Wha is ‘oing gone?” with her hand over his mouth.

 

“Don’t know,” she said, dropping her hand. “We were drugged and those doors are locked.” She pointed at the master and the front door. “Can’t leave without you, or _him._ ”

 

She said “him” with the exact amount of contempt that Damian knew instantly who it was on the pull-out couch, and berated himself for not knowing before. He walked around the couch to make sure, and sure enough--Jason Todd was snoring, his mouth slightly open. Damian’s lip curled. He turned to the balcony and to peer outside and his jaw dropped.

 

“Cassandra, you neglected to mention that we’re in _Paris!”_ he hissed, glaring at the Eiffel Tower.

 

“Forgot,” she said. “Once _Jason_ wakes up, we can go out the glass door and find payphone.”

 

“People don’t have payphones anymore,” Damian said, and then there was the sound of a door unlocking, and the doorknob to the master bedroom turned.

 

\-----

 

No bounty for the Wayne children had been asked for, although that wouldn’t make sense since Jason was taken, too. Selina didn’t know anything, nor did Ivy or Harley.

 

Harvey and Penguin didn’t have them, and Bruce hoped to god that Killer Croc didn’t know anything, but he couldn’t find him to ask. Nobody else was outside Arkham, and Dick had even checked in with Cluemaster and Riddler in case either of them had worked together for some sort of twisted revenge.

 

Bruce was getting desperate, so he called in Clark and even Jessica to ask them to keep a lookout.

 

“No offence, but I don’t really think anyone from space took them,” Jessica said, Simon (who Bruce _hadn’t_ invited but had shown up anyway) hovering behind her. “Like..that doesn’t seem right.”

 

“Keep an eye out anyway,” Bruce said, and Jessica raised her hands in defeat and she and Simon flew away.

 

“We’ll find them,” Clark said, clapping a hand on Bruce’s shoulder and smiling his boy-scout smile. “It’ll be fine.”

 

Bruce was tempted to scream at him but instead didn’t move his face at all beyond a grunt and let Clark fly away.

 

When he got home, Bruce considered screaming into his pillow, but instead decided that sleeping was overrated and went back down into the cave, pulling up traffic feeds to scan.

 

\-----

 

Damian _hated_ this.

 

He was sitting around the table, eating waffles that were dumb and reminded him of Stephanie’s dumb (but a lot better than these) waffles. He scowled and bit into another one.

 

“Now, Damian, don’t do that,” Mother said. “Your face will get stuck like that.”

 

“No it won’t,” Damian muttered. The only sound for a minute was waffle-eating. “I just don’t understand why you had to _kidnap_ us.”

 

“We wanted you to be there and didn’t think you would had we asked,” Shiva said. “Would you?”

 

“No,” Cassandra said.

 

“Probably not,” Damian admitted.

 

“Maybe,” Jason said, his mouth full of waffle. Damian glared at him. “What? I might’ve. I love a good wedding.”

 

Damian dropped his head on the table.

 

“Why is he here?” he mumbled, his cheek pressed to the smooth wood of the table and his nose uncomfortably close to the waffle plate.

 

“Jason is as much my son as you are,” Mother said primly, and Damian groaned and he was sure Jason was making some sort of stupid face. That made him and Jason _double_ brothers, and Damian wasn’t sure he wanted them to be. Brothers one time was enough.

 

\----

 

Steph burst into the batcave from the manor above, her jeans and t-shirt looking out of place among the capes and cowls that Bruce, Duke, Tim, Dick, and Kate were wearing.

 

“Guys!” she said, and Bruce stood up from his spot at the computer, turning to face her hopefully. Did she have a lead?

 

“What happened?” Tim asked, and Steph took a deep breath.

 

“Courtney just told me that Greta told her that Mia told her that Dinah told her that Babs told her that Donna told her that Cassie told her that Kara told her that Kon told her that Bart told him that Barry said that he was on a date with Iris in Paris and he saw Talia and Shiva together in Paris! At the same cutsey little cafe they were in!”

 

“Talia and Shiva, working together?” Bruce said. “That’s a cause for concern even if it’s not their children who went missing.”

 

“And Jason,” Duke said.

 

“Talia raised Jason from the dead, I’m sure there’s some sort of bond there,” Steph said, waving her hand. “But Talia and Shiva totally could’ve taken them.”

 

“Yeah, that’s plausible,” Dick said.

 

“Did you say that Barry said Talia and Shiva were on a _date?”_ Kate asked.

 

“I think Barry said they were at the same cafe,” Steph said. “But I don’t know, it could’ve been a date. Paris is the city of love, after all.”

 

“I don’t know if I can mentally deal with that,” Dick said.

 

“That doesn’t matter!” Bruce said. “Steph and Duke, with me to Paris. Everyone else-- _keep looking for them_.”

 

“And, you know, protect the city,” Kate said.

 

“Less important,” Bruce said. “Pack your bags, kids, we’re going to France.”

 

“Thank _god,”_ Steph said.

 

“Uh, I don’t think I have a passport,” Duke said. “You might wanna take someone else.”

 

“I’ll go,” Tim said.

 

“No,” Bruce and Steph said together.

 

“Master Duke, your passport is in the drawer with the other passports,” Alfred said. Bruce hadn’t even known that Alfred was in the cave with them. “Although you shouldn’t be needing it, unless you’re taking the Wayne plane instead of the Batwing…?”

 

“No, we’re taking the Batwing,” Bruce said. “No passports. Let’s go.”

 

He swept over to the Batwing, deciding that packing wasn’t important just now.

 

\----

 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Talia al Ghul and Sandra Woosan,” the minister intoned. He was tied up.

 

They were outside the hotel. Damian was wearing a thawb hat he suspected was the same one he had been supposed to wear to Father and Selina’s wedding. Jason was in a white tux that Damian was unsure of the origins of, and Cassandra was wearing a golden dress.

 

Mother was in a dress and Shiva was in a suit and Damian wanted to be anywhere else than where he was.

 

While the minister droned on about marriage or whatever, Damian listed all the reasons why this wedding sucked.

 

  1. Mother wasn’t allowed to marry non-Father people.
  2. This wasn’t even a traditional al-Ghul wedding, because Grandfather was homophobic and could never know about this union.
  3. As far as Damian knew, Cassandra’s mother was an unholy demon straight from the pits of hell, and he was sure Mother deserved better than that.
  4. The collar on his thawb was very stiff and uncomfortable.
  5. Paris as a destination wedding wasn’t much better than Vegas, as far as Damian could figure. He wished they were somewhere more romantic and less cliche, like the mountains or the Bahamas or something.
  6. The whole lack-of-consent thing that had led to Damian being here in the first place.



  
He crossed his arms and glared at the minister. Cassandra was holding flowers and seemed to be both women’s maid of honor. She was glaring at Jason who seemed mostly happy, or at least compared to Damian and Cassandra.

 

The minister was _still talking._ Couldn’t they just get to the vows?

 

“And now for the vows?” the minister asked.

 

“Of course,” Mother said. “Sandie, I’ve hated you for a long time, and only gained respect for you very recently. But you are a strong, beautiful, woman, and I’m so glad to have you on my side and in my heart.”

 

“Beloved,” Shiva said, and Damian considered vomiting. Cassandra actually turned and gagged. “I’ve been in love with you from the minute I saw you kill David Cain--”

 

“WHAT,” Cassandra said. Shiva ignored her.

 

“--and rid the world of that scumbag forever. Your love for your father, and your children, and Batman, and of course, me, is what endeared me to you and I want us to rid the world of scumbags--like Batman--forever, together.”

 

“Aww,” Talia said, and Damian wondered why he had decided not to vomit before.

 

“The rings?” the minister asked, and Damian thrust the pillow between Mother and Shiva. They took the rings and put them on each other. Damian didn’t know a lot about jewelry, but he suspected that these rings were around ten carat diamonds. Each.

 

“I now pronounce you wife and wife. You may kiss the bride….s,” the minister said.

 

Last time Damian had been to a wedding between two women, Wonder Woman had officiated and  it had been _much_ less boring. Who let this minister marry people?

 

Mother and Shiva were kissing, gross and deep, and Jason wiped away a tear.

 

“I just love weddings,” he said, in response to Damian’s glare, and Cassandra said, “That’s _it.”_

 

For a moment, Damian thought she was going to attack Jason, and he mentally placed his bets, but instead she threw her flowers at him and stormed off.

 

Jason caught the bouquet Cassandra had thrown at him and looked down at it, than up again wonderingly.

 

“Roy?” he said, and Damian turned on his heel and followed Cassandra away.

 

\-----

 

Bruce laid on top of the Eiffel Tower, thinking about crying but deciding that wasn’t practical in any way.

 

“I don’t think they’re in Paris anymore,” Steph said from where she was laying next to him.

 

“Yeah,” Duke said, from Bruce’s other side. “I don’t know.”

 

“Paris is a big city, we probably missed them,” Steph reasoned. “Maybe tomorrow.”

 

“Maybe,” Duke said, sounding doubtful. “Are there any Paris-based vigilantes we can ask?”

 

He’d already asked this, when they’d first arrived, but he sounded hopeful that the answer had changed.

 

“No,” Steph said. “B, can we _please_ call Clark?”

 

“No,” Bruce said. He weighed the merits of his pride versus finding his children and sighed. “Fine. Superman?”

 

Two moments passed and Clark was hovering over them, bent at the waist, concerned.

 

“Are y’all alright?” he asked.

 

“Can you please see if Cass, Damian, or Jason are _anywhere_ in this city?” Steph asked, gesturing wildly.

 

“Of course!” Clark said, giving them a thumbs up and flying off.

 

Bruce groaned.

 

From the corner of his eye, he saw Duke cross his arms behind his head, and Steph turned on her side, pulling her cape around her like a blanket.

 

“Fifteen minute nap while he looks,” she said, and Bruce rolled his eyes. She’d slept on the way to Paris. Couldn’t she just stay awake for days on end like a normal person?

 

Bruce waited for Clark to come back and frowned, glaring at the sky in general.

 

Clark came back, his face all worried.

 

“Sorry, gang,” he said. “I don’t think they’re here.”

 

“Damn,” Duke said.

 

“Do y’all want a ride back to Gotham?” Clark asked, and Bruce clicked the keys to the Batwing. The invisibility cloak turned off, revealing it floating in the sky next to them.

 

“I see,” Clark said. “Well, good luck! We’ll find your kids soon.”

 

He flew away.

 

“He’s so optimistic,” Duke said. “Far cry from everyone else I know.”

 

“I know, what the hell?” Steph said. Bruce ignored them and got up, dragging himself to the Batwing.

 

“This is a dead end,” he said. “Let’s go home.”

 

“Who knows,” Steph said. “Maybe they’ll be there when we get back.”

 

“Sure,” Bruce said, rolling his eyes. Yeah, _that_ was likely.

 

\----

 

Damian watched Father leave the Batwing, crossing his arms and scowling at the general direction of the arriving plane.

 

Father stopped in his tracks, and Stephanie and Duke bumped into him. Stephanie peered around him.

 

“Oh! You guys got found!” she said.

 

“Really?” Duke asked.

 

“No,” Richard said from next to Damian. “They just showed up.”

 

“What happened?” Father demanded. “Where were you? Are you hurt? Where’s Jason?”

 

“We’re fine,” Cassandra said.

 

“Jason went to find Harper,” Damian said, crossing his arms. Something about weddings getting him into a mood, he’d claimed.

 

“Where were you?” Father repeated.

 

“Relax, Father,” Damian said, pleased that Father seemed so worried about them. “We were just at Mother and the assassin’s wedding.”

 

“What?” Father said.

 

“We were at Mother and the assassin’s wedding,” Cassandra repeated, and Damian could _feel_ the smugness rolling off of her in waves.

 

“‘Mother and the--’ surely you don’t mean _Talia and Shiva,_ do you?” Father asked, his mouth hanging open, and Stephanie waved her phone.

 

“Yeah!” she said. “I just heard from Kara who heard from Kon who heard from Bart who heard from Cassie who heard from Donna who heard from Roy who heard from Jason that Talia and Shiva just got married!”

 

Father sputtered.

 

Damian and Cassandra high-fived.

 

Stephanie looked back down at her phone.

 

“Oh, and apparently they want to honeymoon in Gotham,” she said, her brows furrowed.

 

Father fainted.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> some notes:  
> -dick & wally are in love  
> -jason & roy are in love  
> -again this isn't supposed to be serious lol  
> -i killed cain cause i felt like it  
> -cluemaster would want revenge on the waynes for adopting his child  
> -steph is definitely a wayne  
> -unrelated but duke steph & bruce are the dreamteam 
> 
> thanks for reading! comments & kudos always appreciated xoxo


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